This week we will have a look at all of the flavors of relationships other than traditional compulsory monogamy. Nothing is more controversial or stigmatized than consensual non-monogamy yet the community of Polyamorists, swingers, and assorted non standard relationship structures continues to grow in spite of social disapproval. This community now represents about 5% of the US population and is present worldwide. There are hundreds of non-monogamists in the North Carolina Research Triangle area and one of them might be teaching a class at OLLI :-).......
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The Challenge of Monogamy: by Marianne Brandon PhD
Bringing it Out of the Closet and Into the Treatment Room
Abstract: Sexual health professionals embrace a mind-body paradigm for the treatment of sexual dysfunction. Yet even with our inclusive approach, sexual disorders remain treatment challenges. Clearly we are missing something – a variable that is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore: Monogamy is not natural for primates. This paper represents a long-overdue discussion about the monogamy dilemma and how it impacts our patients, our treatments, and ourselves. This is not an exploration of whether monogamy is moral, ethical, or beneficial. Rather, it is an examination of the possible impact that human non-monogamous nature has on the diagnosis and treatment of sexual dysfunction.
As sexual health professionals, including mental health therapists, physicians, physical therapists, and others, we have learned to respect - and yes even embrace - each other’s knowledge. An integrative mind-body perspective is our marching call – it is what we strive for, and what we believe in. Yet even with our relatively cutting edge, inclusive approach, our treatment results remain underwhelming. Libido, orgasm, and arousal disorders - you name it, we struggle to treat it. Medications that should provide our patients the relief they seek offer suboptimal treatment success. Intensive psychotherapeutic work typically fairs no better. We continuously deepen and expand our understanding of desire and physiological arousal. In spite of our cutting edge research, sometimes it seems that we have hardly left the starting gate. Our frustration feels almost palpable at times.
Consider the stats. Consistently, for many decades, about half of Western marriages end in divorce. Of those marriages that remain intact, it has been estimated that about 20% are sexless – which is defined as having sex less than six times a year. The statistics on infidelity are difficult to obtain but it has been estimated that up to 65% of men and 55% of women have had an extra-marital affair by age forty. And of course, we well know the stats on sexual dysfunction. Up to 40% of women and 33% of men report a sexual concern. When we add these numbers up, we might consider it more shocking that a couple in a long-term monogamous relationship actually has an active and satisfying sex life!
Could we actually be missing something?
Yes.
There is at least one sexual variable that is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. And without taking this variable into account, I suspect that we will continue to contend with discouraging treatment results and frustrated patients. We acknowledge this issue on one hand, while at the same time, we minimize it. We prefer to consider it a relatively minor limit that we can work around, cover over, or somehow resolve with enough time, energy, and effort. But it’s not working. What is this variable I speak of?
Monogamy. Specifically, the problem is that it’s not natural for primates. And this includes human primates - male and female.
It’s a harsh reality that we would rather not acknowledge. Yes of course monogamy isn’t natural. On one hand, we readily accept this biological fact. Other researchers have been making this point for years. We are all familiar with the work of anthropologists indicating that monogamous marriage is an artifact of modern history. Biologists and zoologists repeatedly illustrate the ways human primates are biologically engineered for sperm competition rather than monogamy. But what does this have to do with sex, really? The vast majority of sexual health practitioners resist making the association that this has a significant impact on the sex lives of our patients.
Why do we avoid the facts? Because, we are afraid. What about political correctness? What will it mean to long-term intimacy if we acknowledge that many people may not naturally enjoy monogamy? What impact will it have on children? And on our livelihoods? Are we admitting defeat - that there are some sexual concerns that sexual medicine cannot – or worse yet – should not – attempt to treat?
As a result of our discomfort, we compartmentalize. Most of us acknowledge that primates are generally not naturally monogamous. But when we conceptualize and discuss cases, the monogamy word is never mentioned. This resistance is unfortunate - for many reasons. If as treators we cannot accept and contain the monogamy challenge, how can we help our patients to do the same? If we avoid talking about difficult truths, are we only modeling poor communication and denial for those we are trying to serve? And if we chose to criticize our patient’s non-monogamous choices, can we still optimally assist them in the intimate challenges for which they seek help?
Probably not. And our patients need our help now more than ever.
The current social climate offers people more sexual challenges than ever before. We are increasingly surrounded by provocative, sexualized advertizing campaigns. TV shows present more sexual content than ever before, as do movies, video games, and cell phone applications. Plus, research demonstrates that we can be impacted sexual triggers, even if we are not consciously aware of this stimulation. But the media is not the only force drastically influencing the sex life of Western cultures. Technology is rapidly and eternally changing the face of intimacy. Modern technological advances involving cell phones and online communication devices have enabled unprecedented access to potential intimate partners and sexual opportunities. Within just a few decades, the internet and its associated technologies have discretely enabled and even encouraged confidential communication about personal and intimate topics that were here-to-for considered by many to be too risky or embarrassing to share in face to face interaction. In fact, hand held devices permit people to have intimate contact while others, such as their spouse or children, are in the same room with them! The rapid, continued development in this arena leaves us only guessing as to how these shifts will impact marriage and monogamy over time.
Cultural Changes Force Us to Take Notice
In decades past, it was much simpler for our culture to maintain the illusion of monogamy as a natural outgrowth of a loving intimate relationship. This was the case for several reasons. For much of modern history, marriage was necessary for survival. Without a husband and wife team to share the responsibilities of work and home life - breadwinning and childrearing - families could not survive. Obviously, this reality provided much motivation for people to stay married, almost at any cost. In addition, forces such as religion and close-knit extended families provided further support for the monogamous marriage. But social shifts have lessened the impact of these values. And humans now live decades longer than they have in the past, further stressing our monogamous bonds. The woman’s movement also exerted its influence by changing the face of intimacy in our culture. Sex was no longer a woman’s duty – she could say “no” if she chose to. And many women today do just that. Furthermore, while these shifts in social consciousness were reverberating throughout Western bedrooms, the increasingly sexualized media and advertizing campaigns rapidly increased the sexual pressure cooker we live in. Modern computer and cell phone technology provides the perfect outlet for the massive sexual energy generated by our culture today. It is, in effect, the perfect storm. As sexual medicine professionals, we must decide if we will watch the events from the shore, or will we engage more actively with the challenges as they present themselves?
Our Countertransference May be Interfering with our Treatment
Like all things emotionally charged, it is exceedingly easy for us to bring our own values about monogamy into the treatment room. Some practitioners may feel particularly judgmental about patients who do not maintain monogamy (“He has such intimacy issues”); others may feel critical of those who are monogamous at all costs (“She shut her sexual self down”). Obviously, we will better serve our patients if we can come to terms with our own biases. The issue is not “I like monogamy,” or “Monogamy is the right thing to do.” Nor is it about the ideal that humans should be able to overcome their non-monogamous natures with higher order thinking. Medicine is not about behavioral value judgments. It’s about nature and biology – the things we as a sexual medicine society profess to be about.
But our humanity holds us back. It might help to confront the monogamy problem in our own lives first. We cannot help others until we reach some level of personal acceptance with these issues. We are humans first: husbands, wives, and lovers, before we are practitioners. And while we don’t all have pain during sex, low libido, or difficulty with orgasm, the majority of us are in, or have experienced in the past, the challenges of a long-term intimate relationship. Yet we still protect ourselves by justifying our own marital disruptions. As human beings, we are evolutionarily compelled to do the same things our patients are compelled to do - rationalize, and defend our own choices. “It’s my partner’s low sex drive,” “It’s my stressful work schedule,” “He cheated on me because of his intimacy issues” …….In searching for explanations for our own experiences, we are tempted to blame ourselves, our partners, and our past. Thus, we must deal with these challenges in our own bedrooms first. What are our own narratives, and how do they influence the personal agenda that each of us brings into the treatment room? Going deeper into the stories of our personal lives will enable us to offer more clarity and wisdom to our patients’ sexual and intimate struggles.
Ignoring the Monogamy Challenge Only Compounds the Problem
Our current passive approach to dealing with the monogamy problem does not appear to be helpful, and it may become more problematic with time. Our disregard of the monogamy dilemma implies to our patients that it is not a significant issue in their sexual functioning. In this way, we support our patients in making false assumptions and expectations about their sexual behavior. Thus, our ignoring the monogamy problem is not a passive treatment intervention, but an active one with consequences for our patients.
But our disregard of the monogamy problem has negative implications for ourselves as well. That is because Western culture’s ideals are changing fast – much faster than our professional ideals. As we’ve discussed, our patient’s sex lives are transforming faster now than in any time of history, and there is no way at the moment to predict where we are headed. Our understanding of intimacy and sexual connection must follow suit. In fact, to be optimally effective, we have to position ourselves one step ahead, rather than several steps behind our patient’s experiences. Our patient population will slowly diminish if we cannot keep up with their changing needs. We damage our professional selves when we attempt to fit sex into a politically correct narrative because instinct and passion cannot be channeled that way.
Coping With Our Fears
Dealing directly with our fears can offer the opportunity to rise above them, making our treatment interventions less influenced by them. Let’s briefly explore some of the fears that are often associated with the monogamy dilemma.
What about political correctness? It is true that alternatives to monogamy are not politically correct, and most people feel some level of disrespect and even distain for non-monogamous behavior. Surveys show that even people having affairs report these types of reactions. However, we also know that satisfying sex does not necessarily fit cultural rules and opinions about political correctness. As health care providers in the business of helping people achieve more satisfying sex lives, are we not obligated to advance biological facts?
What will it mean to long-term intimacy if we admit that many people may not naturally enjoy monogamy? Long-term intimacy is suffering from our current approach of ignoring the monogamy problem. It is possible that dealing more directly with the issues will enable people to make kinder, more realistic decisions involving less blame of themselves and their partners.
What impact will it have on our children? Children are already dealing with the impact of divorce and emotionally unhealthy marriages. Parents who are more prepared to deal with the frequent struggles inherent in intimate relationships may be more capable of protecting their children by avoiding the turmoil. In addition, children are currently left with the impression that sexual monogamy should work for them, if they find the right partner. This unrealistic expectation may not serve a child well as he or she ages.
What impact would admitting the monogamy problem have on our livelihoods in the field of sexual medicine? We already struggle as a specialty because treatment is challenging. A more advanced understanding of sexuality should only add to our treatment success.
Are we admitting defeat? Are there some concerns that sexual medicine cannot – or worse yet – should not – attempt to treat? Female sexual response relies on numerous biological and psychological processes working together. The monogamy issue is only one of a vast array of variables that play a role in female sexual response.
Where To Start?
Talking about monogamy in the treatment room may not be as uncomfortable as it sounds. As when discussing any difficult subject, when the treator remains calm, patients are more likely to do the same. Simply recognizing that monogamy has many benefits, but it may not be natural for all humans, can itself be a huge intervention. People may well demonstrate relief that the thus-far unspeakable has become acceptable dialogue in the treatment room. Several positive outcomes may ensue:
A reduction in shame. Every treator knows that sexual concerns and dysfunctions are frequently associated with embarrassment, shame, and guilt. These emotions further burden a man or woman already struggling with a sexual issue. When it is recognized that monogamous intimacy isn’t necessarily what the human body was designed to covet, patients are often greatly relieved of uncomfortable emotions and distress. This reduction in shame can empower a man or woman to work more effectively toward their treatment goals.
Diminished blame and anger. When sex becomes less satisfying, people automatically search for an explanation for their sexual downturn. It is so easy at these times for people to find fault in their partner or themselves. People may be less inclined to blame their partners for their intimate challenges when monogamy is understood in terms of a human struggle, as opposed to their personal struggle.
Offer hope. Everyone’s sex life can improve. Making love, like any artistic expression, is a learned skill that has no pinnacle. Each of us can continuously grow to give and receive love better. We can become more tuned into pleasure, offer more of ourselves to our lover, and tenderly meet our partner’s vulnerabilities. The fact that monogamy isn’t natural doesn’t diminish the impact and meaning of the love we offer. Patients feel hope when their expectations for themselves, their partner, and their treatment are realistic and attainable.
Intimate bonds may benefit from this reality check. One delightful possibility is that couples may find their intimate bonds strengthened by this recognition. It becomes harder to take each other for granted when lifelong sexual fidelity is considered a gift rather than a given. Sometimes, this open acknowledgement creates a certain amount of anxiety that serves to motivate increased intimate connection. That is, partners may be more inspired to give emotionally when they recognize the limits of their biology.
In sum, now is the time for the challenge of monogamy to make its way into our professional conversation. Our cultural transformations, both technologically and socially, are only intensifying this issue in our patient’s lives. The impact of our non-monogamous natures can be seen in the incidence of sexual concerns and dysfunctions among our patients. The monogamy problem must become part of our differential diagnosis. Our patients deserve our attention to all sexual truths, even those politically incorrect ones. This isn’t bad news for sexual medicine. When patients and their practitioners work cooperatively, conceptualizing sexuality in the truly complex mind-body framework in which it lives, they may be more likely to obtain mutually acceptable results. Acknowledging the potential implications and limitations of monogamy can serve to strengthen the doctor-patient bond because it encourages trust. If, as leaders in the field of sexual medicine, we cannot deal with these realities, who can?
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Perceptions of Primary and Secondary Relationships in Polyamory is an academic study of polyamory published in May of 2017. It is a detailed study of how polyamorous relationships are constructed and how well they function. They seem to work pretty well. The link is HERE
If reading boring scientific papers is not your interest HERE is a popular press summary of the above study titled The Surprising Conclusion From the Biggest Polyamory Study Ever.
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https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marriage-a-happier-marriage.html?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share&_r=0
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ON GETTING OLD AND BEING POLYAMOROUS Alan M writes a blog called Poly in the Media from time to time and addressed the issue of being Poly and getting old. Yes, old people are both sexual and polyamorous and this lifestyle has lots to offer in terms of support. The article is HERE
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MAYBE MONOGAMY ISN'T THE ONLY WAY TO LOVE A brand new paper (March 5,2017) from the New York Times magazine which presents a major overview of the current state of non-monogamy. This is not the usual "click bait" article but one that is well done and deserves a careful reading if you really want to understand the current state of non-monogamy and polyamory. A nice review article with some interesting and valuable links. The link is HERE
There is a response to this article: ARE WOMEN MORE INTO POLYAMORY THAN MEN? The link is HERE This article argues that women are more interested in sexual and relationship variety than are men. It mentions that women's supposed VERY CONTROVERSIAL low libido with their husbands might be a symptom of monogamy. And this supports why women have written most of the books on Polyamory.
Hmmmmmm.
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ESTHER PEREL ON INFIDELITY (2016) A major article in the Economist about Esther Perel's new book on infidelity and how infidelity is understood in Europe and in the US. Big difference. If you have ever been touched by infidelity or adultery you must read this. The link is HERE
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ESTHER PEREL ON INFIDELITY (2013): This video is titled "The Secret to Desire in Long Term Relationships". Esther tells why people explore infidelity in long term relationships. A powerful 20 min TED talk that has been watched some 9 million times in only 3 years. To understand all of the forms of non-monogamy (swinging, BDSM, polyamory, cheating, open relationships etc. etc.) you must watch this video at least twice and discuss it point by point with your partner/s. There is much in this video that explains the growth of the non-monogamous community -- our need for stability vs our need for adventure and novelty. The link is HERE
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FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER BEFORE STARTING OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
The link is HERE An academic looks at open relationships.
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AN IDIOTS GUIDE TO POLYAMORY: One of the best and most complete pictures of a polyamorous family I have ever read. The hero of the article, Valerie White, is a friend of mine and an ardent supporter of the Polyamorous lifestyle. The link is HERE
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DESIGNER RELATIONSHIPS (2015)
A brand new book by Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson uses for a title the term "designer relationships" which I have been using for some 10 years in my lectures. They asked me to write the Forward. The book is about designing relationships to meet the needs of all the partners using lots of discussion. The link is HERE
And in case you are wondering, I have no financial interest in this book. The authors get the money..
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WHAT I WANT GUYS TO KNOW ABOUT MY NON-MONOGAMY A woman's viewpoint on being polyamorous. A nice insight on how polyamory works for this woman. The link is here
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What To Know Before Asking Your Spouse For An Open Marriage:
Several experts experienced in open relationships tell us how to design a sexually and emotionally open relationship. This adventure is not without difficulty and you must know the downsides and well as the upsides. Open relationships are just one of many options in putting together relationships that work for both partners. The link is HERE
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LESSONS LEARNED BY A MAN FROM A YEAR OF POLYAMORY A short essay on the essence of polyamory -- honest communication and self knowledge are key. My favorite quote: "It's not that polyamory is too good to be true, but it's definitely too good to be easy." The link is HERE
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HOW DOES A POLYAMOROUS MARRIAGE GO THE DISTANCE? A true life story of a couple in the Polyamorous lifestyle who have remained married and mostly enjoyed it but with some (a lot?) of Polyagony thrown in to liven things up. This is a good example of just how complicated Polyamory can be and illustrates that Poly folks thrive on complexity. The link is HERE
http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/a39189/long-term-polyamory/
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NEW SEXUAL REVOLUTION: POLYAMORY MAY BE GOOD FOR YOU Even Scientific American thinks Polyamory is a coming thing and does a pretty good job of explaining it HERE
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KEN HASLAM INTERVIEW DISCUSSING POLYAMORY
Here is recent (2014) audio interview with your instructor (Ken Haslam) on Polyamory for an audience of Baby Boomers on the podcast Boom Doctors. You can listen to this interview HERE
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ALL ABOUT "TINDER": THE LINK IS HERE The Internet has changed everything and the dating scene is not what us old timers remember. This major article in Vanity Fair explores modern Internet dating and how our grandchildren getting laid. Dinner and a movie seems to be long gone. Sigh!
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A PhD THESIS ON POLYAMORY
A major review of Polyamory which is up to date as of 2015. A typical thesis with lots of reverences. A good academic overview of Polyamory community. The link is HERE
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A MAGNIFICENT UP TO DATE COLLECTION OF LINKS TO THE WORLD OF POLYAMORY
is HERE
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COMPERSION -- One of the defining elements of polyamory is "compersion". This link leads to a delightful discussion of this topic. The link is HERE
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NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE) This is a classic article on NRE not to be missed by anyone newly in love. Everyone entering the world of sex, love, and romance needs to understand the dangers of NRE. It turns our brains into mush and makes us do really dumb things. Sometimes it even leads to marriage. The link is HERE
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LOVING MORE POLYAMORY DEMOGRAPHY SURVEY (2012) This is a survey of about 4000 polyamorists exploring who they are. Lots of charts, graphs, and diagrams. THE LINK IS HERE
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CNN Money just published (Jan 28,2015) a video piece on Polyamory that is well done and balanced -- "I have a fiancé, a girlfriend and two boyfriends". Another example of how Polyamory is entering the mainstream. The link is HERE
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http://jezebel.com/mom-i-have-two-boyfriends-how-i-discovered-i-was-poly-1690634624
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HOW TO HANDLE A SEXLESS MARRIED LIFE from an article by AARP. Dealing with a partner who will not meet your sexual needs can be addressed by opening your relationship.
Here is a link on ways to think about this problem. Considering Polyamory is an option.
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REDDIT -- If you want to take a look at everyday POLYAGONY or the downsides of polyamory (as well as some to the very good things about Polyamory) you can go to Reddit. The link is HERE This site is filled with day to day happenings on a very personal level from those struggling with some of the difficulties of being polyamorous, opening up a relationship, and having relationships end in lots of drama and trauma. Sometimes not a pretty sight. As I have said in class, "Polyamory is not for Sissies" and there can be a steep learning curve.
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A Treatise On the Tyranny of Two by Laura Kipnis takes a very critical look at traditional monogamy which for the most part remains unexamined. This article on appeared in 2001 in the New York Times. It is written by an academic and is thought provoking. The link is HERE
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A COUPLE BECOMES POLYAMOROUS: (2015) A true to life story of a couple finding their relationship moving toward sexual distance between them moves to Ashville NC and opens things up. A very true-to-life description of how things work when entering the Polyamorous lifestyle. The link is HERE
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ATLANTIC MAGAZINE: Multiple Lovers Without Jealousy (2014) This is a major article in a major and highly regarded mainstream magazine on Polyamory. The appearance of this piece in this magazine well illustrates how much Polyamory has entered the mainstream. Here is the LINK
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EVEN AARP IS PUBLISHING ARTICLES ON NONMONOGAMY THESE DAYS. Here is an article by a well known marriage and family counselor discussing consensual multipartnering in older couples -- "NEW THINKING ABOUT MONOGAMY" AUG 2014 The link is HERE
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AN INSIDE LOOK AT OPEN MARRIAGES from Psychology Today, August 26, 2014 A good article by an academic exploring modern thinking about open marriage. The link is HERE
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LIFELONG SEXUAL MONOGAMY JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE: A major article discussing the term "Designer Relationships" which I have been using for some 10 years to describe the spectrum of relationship configurations. One size no longer fits all. Instead we are now encouraged to "design" a relationship that works for you and works for your partner or partners.
Be sure to look over the letters to the editor. The link is HERE
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THE ETHICAL SLUT VIDEO SERIES ON YOU TUBE: This series just appeared and is a funny but thoughtful and interesting examination of Polyamory. It is told short segments of just a few minutes each. But the folks making the series are obviously well schooled in Polyamory as they cover all the twists and turns of Poly relationships and opening up a marriage. Don't miss it. The link is HERE
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THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY BY BRENE BROWN: The video on vulnerability is not really about sex but yet it is. Vulnerability is everything in a good sexual relationship and this viral video is a masterpiece. The link is HERE
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RELIGIOUS ATTITUDES ABOUT POLYAMORY: The author, Elisabeth Sheff PhD is a sociologist with a recent book, Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multi-Partner Relationships and Families that explores Polyamorous families. She answers the question: But what about the children?" This article is her summary of how religion accepts or rejects Polyamory. The link is HERE
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A FESTIVAL OF DANGEROUS IDEAS -- DAN SAVAGE ON MONOGAMY: A video lecture by a gay, long married non-monogamous man about the dangers and virtues of monogamy. About 50 minutes long but worth every minute. Savage is a major figure in the non monogamy movement. The link is HERE
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MONOGAMY VS NONMONOGAMY: An article from the New York Times Magazine section.
The link is HERE
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SOCIAL STIGMA OF POLYAMORY LESSENS WITH FAMILIARITY: THE LINK IS HERE
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POLYAMORY WORKS FOR US: Angie Becker Stevens, a major article on Polyamory in Salon Magazine done by a woman in a very successful Poly marriage. The link is HERE
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ARTICLE ABOUT POLYAMORY IN THE CURRENT ISSUE OF THE ATLANTIC: A member of the class contributed this very well done view of Polyamory in a very mainstream magazine. The link is HERE
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SWING CLUB OPPOSED BY TOWN COUNCIL: Last week we talked about erotophobes fear of people who are enjoying sex and their attempts to eliminate all sorts of sexual expression including swinging. Here is an example of a swing club in England in trouble with the town council. The link is HERE
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POLYAMORY IN THE MAINSTREAM PRESS: A very short article on Polyamory is HERE
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THE CHURCH OF MONOGAMY: A short, brilliant, to the point discussion of sex, love, monogamy and non monogmany. This essay dissects the truth around why monogamy may not be the best relationship form for all. I have been reading this stuff for years and this piece is a WINNER. The link is HERE
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IF SWINGING IS YOUR THING: A monumental PhD thesis of swinging (sport sex) is easily available at the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality giving details on the 8,000,000 swingers in the United States. What comes from this study is that swingers are just like you and may be sitting next to you in church this coming Sunday. And swinger marriages are longer and happier than traditional compulsory monogamous marriages. I am sure no one ever told you that before. ;-) The link is HERE
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THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS POLYAMORY -- A delightfully short and to the point essay about Polyamory. It is really more about self determination and less about sex. Ken Haslam actually prefers the term DESIGNER RELATIONSHIPS to polyamory. The link is HERE
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GROUP SEX Group sex has been around for the history of mankind. Finally, someone has written a major academic work about group sex in all of its flavors. The book Plays Well With Others by Kate Frank PhD, a cultural anthropologist from Duke, explores the topic in great detail and with an occasional dash of humor. The link to the review of this book is HERE
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CUCKOLDING: A growing trend in 21st Century sexual liberation where the wife has sexual play with another person (usually another man) while the husband watches, takes photos, or participates.
Here is an article on the subject: The Secret Life of Americas's Greatest Swinger. The link is HERE
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https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/11/magazine/is-an-open-marriage-a-happier-marriage.html?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share&_r=0